Vulnerable...
What is the definition of this word?
"Capable of or susceptible to being physically or emotionally wounded or hurt. Open to moral attack criticism, temptation"
I have felt like the Lord has wanted me to write this post for a couple days now. I have been putting it off and honestly not really wanting to write it at all. Why you ask? It comes down to one word. Vulnerability. and for all the reasons that the very definition states.
When I committed to starting this blog, I said that I wanted it to be a journal for myself. So that in the future I could look back and see and remember the road God has brought me down. I started it more for myself, I have no idea who cares enough to actually read it unless you have actually told me so. But as a result it has been a blessing to me also. I have received emails of encouragement and it has opened the door for other people to share with me what God is doing in their life. If I want to remember all that God has done, I can't just talk about all the good, I have to include my struggles. And with that comes a little bit of vulnerability. Vulnerability does not have to be all bad though. I feel like when you are real and honest then that is grounds for allowing God to move and work in your life. It is saying I am not perfect, I do not have it all together but I know the One who can be my strength and be all the things that I am not if I just ask.
I have no idea why God laid it on my heart for me to share the things I've experienced lately. Chances are that I probably won't know. Is it to get me to reflect on things? Possibly, I do that best when I write. Is it because someone else may be experiencing the same thing and needs encouragement? Maybe? I honestly don't know.
In my previous posts I have talked a lot about my journey over all in the past two years. I have touched on highlights of things I have read, things I have been involved in, my thoughts on those things and what they have meant to me. I have not really spent much time talking about what God has been teaching me currently and I feel like that is what I need to share.
So here we go...
I don't really know where to start. I don't like for my posts to be "wordy" I like to try and keep them on point. So I am going to do my best:0)
The last several months have been, crazy, awesome, hard, strengthening, confusing, fun, challengin,. disciplined... a "whirlwind" to say the least.
I have mentioned before that for most of 2010 I felt like I had such a sweet time with the Lord. It was a time to walk hand in hand with Him. Learn more about who God is. Learn more about myself and a time for Him to "grow" me. I am so thankful for that time. It built a good foundation, because 2009 was mostly working through strongholds and man was it ever tough. Totally worth it but TOUGH!
I had been really involved through most of my summer helping launch the new church plant that I am a part of, learning to challenge myself with new responsibilities, friends were getting married, I was going deeper in my walk with the Lord, went to Nicaragua, planned to go to Africa. Things were sailing along quite smoothly. I was just at a really good place.
Fall came and certain things in life that I had spent a lot in time in prayer about were coming together and I really didn't expect it but believe it was a result of leaving it in God's hands for so long and finally coming to the place of not taking it back. Just trusting that he would take care of things in His time.
All of this is great and was a wonderful time, but because things were going so fabulous I think it caused me to let my guard down. I forgot that because this was such a sweet time and I was growing spiritually then Satan would be on his "A-game".
Toward the end of November, first of December I began to realize that I had just not been feeling quite like myself. Things in my life were better than I could have imagined, but instead of feeling like I was on top of the world I felt fatigued, easily annoyed or agitated, disinterested, headache every day, insecure. For those that know me, I am just not as a general rule any of those things. I mean everyone has their bad days, but I generally get along with most everybody. And let's face it... I had a bad month and a half! As a result my spiritual life suffered. I was still reading my Bible and praying but honestly it was more just because I needed to, not because I was digging in and hungry for more like I previously had been. I did not know why I felt mad all the time or didn't care about much of anything and honestly didn't really do anything to try and fix it. i handled it all wrong. As a result my realtionships with the people I am closest to suffered. Some of you may be thinking, " I had no idea". But that's because I had to hold it all together right? Smile and appear as though everything is fine. Those that know me best though knew I wasn't myself and questioned me about it, but I made excuses. "Well I'm just stressed and been busy", but in reality I didn't have anything to be stressed about.
A couple weeks prior to me figuring out the cause, I was at prayer at DC and I just broke down before the Lord. I told him I really don't know what is going on, but I know I have not been acting the way I should. I repented and commited to making changes. I left there and really tried to make changes but I was still angry and miserable inside. This just presented a constant mind battle. Trying to live right on the outside and be the person I know I should be but feeling like things were in turmoil on the inside.
Long story short I was experiencing side effects from a prescribed medication I was taking ( for my face...I'm not a druggy;0/ ) I was relieved to know that in time I would begin feeling like myself again and things would return to normal, but it also really scared me that a medication could alter your body and hormones that greatly. I am a pretty healthy person and do not really take medication often and it just really scared me. It also made me feel a lot of sympathy for people that struggle with these strongholds day in and day out. It is straight up miserable and exhausting!!!
I had a lot of ammends to make to people that I had hurt. I felt guilty. As I sat down and just really reflected on the last month and a half or so I could not believe that all of this had happened. (Disclaimer: I'm not perfect and I am not saying that every single time I got upset about something was related to medicinal side effects, but for the most part these things are not normal for me.) How did I get from where I was just a few short months ago to this???
I went through a few days of extreme guilt, confusion and questioning.
I was broken hearted over the way I had acted to the people I love and I am close to. Luckily they do love me and were very forgiving and understanding. I questioned why any of this happened in the first place? Why didn't I deal with it better? What did I miss out on that God could have used me for, but instead was being selfish? and yes...I played the dreaded "what if?" game.
All of this transpired around the start of the 21 day fast I committed to doing with my church.
I had 2 options
1) I could continue to live in guilt, agonize over my mistakes,and let this continue to hinder my walk with Christ.
2) I could choose to walk in Freedom because I know that even though I FAR from deserve it...My God is a God of Love, Mercy, Grace, Forgiveness and Understanding. and I could let the Lord take me deeper through the fast.
I chose option 2
My circumstances can most definitely affect me...But they do NOT define me
"Repent then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord"
Acts 3:19
I still don't have answers to most of my questions, but that is O.K. The important thing is that I learn from it, forgive myself, and know that God is a very BIG God and He is bigger than any of this.
I committed to continueing the 21 day fast and truly seeking God. This is where I am thankful for that foundation I built last year and years prior. I grew spritually in a tremendous way through the fast. It required much discipline and most days I had to wake up and re-choose option 2 because Satan was hard at work to bring me back down.
Because of the fast I felt like God took me to a new level. I was so hungry to continue growing and learn more. I started reading "Radical" and I have been examining my life to figure out how to live Radical in world where we have everything at our fingertips and use the blessings God has given me to help take care of the less fortunate. I have developed burdens for things that I know are only from the Lord. I have loved seeing the awesome things that God is doing in my life and in others around me.
Satan is determined to do everything he can to throw a wrench in the work God has. I have heard a lot of fellow believers say this lately. God is definitely up to something huge, but the devil is gonna put up a fight. The closer we get to God, the harder the enemy attacks. We have to know the truth, cling to the truth, replace every lie with truth, and not let our guard down.
The Christian walk is so fulfilling, satisfying, and totally worth it...but it is most definitely not easy.
God doesn't promise that it will be. He assures us that if we follow Him, then we will be persecuted. But he also promises us that we do not have to face these thinngs alone and He assures us that He will not leave us.
I have been just really seeking God lately on different thing and He has been rocking my world. For whatever reason at the end of this past week the devil was absolutely wearing me out...getting in my thoughts and stressing me out. I was trying my best to replace every lie with truth but it was just worse than usual for some reason. It made my mind tired. I went to a women's conference at Desperation Church. It was such a great conference and an awesome time in God's presence. So refreshing.
The main thing I took home was something that Linda said...
"what are you doing with the stage of Life that you are in right now? Are you running with it? Or always planning ahead?"
It is so easy to get caught up in planning the future and not focusing on where we are at the present. I feel like we are almost trained to think that way from the time we were little. Have a plan. Stay a step ahead. Accomplish your goals. It was just a good reminder to slow down and make the most of the present.
I came home Saturday night...layed across my bed and let myself cry ( because as girls sometimes ya just gotta cry) It was just a bad weekend. I told God I was mentally tired and thanked Him for the refreshing time at the conference and then I just layed there in silence and "in His arms" and I was just at peace.
Yesterday I started a Bible study by Priscilla Shirer. It's gonna be good. I am really excited about it.
Expect to hear about it in the future:0)
I am not in any way sharing any of this to get sympathy or for people to feel sorry for me.
There are people facing far worse things than this, of much greater magnitude. It was just a season and God is growing and teaching me from it. I, myself have been through far greater trials. This is just the most recent happenings and what God is teaching me right now.
So what would I like you to know from what I have shared is...
- We are going to go through things in life that we cannot control
- We are still responsible for our actions
- There is nothing that is too big for God
- It is our responsibility to rise above our circumstance and reflect Christ. He gave His life for us...It's kind of a big deal...I'd say he knows about hardship.
- He loves us and has our best interest in mind
- It's ok to tell the Lord about it, when you have just had a bad day. In fact, he cares and wants you to
- God will do what he says He will, It just isn't always on our time frame
- Embrace the present!
God is doing some pretty Awesome things and I am WAY excited...If it means dealing with trials every now and then, so be it. I guess I need to get worried when Satan quits tempting... that means I'm not a threat and who wants to be there? :0/
Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you. He will never let the righteous fall"
Psalm 55:22
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